10 Things Only A Stylist Will Understand
1. If gossip were a government issue, I would know more than the CIA, DOD, and FBI.
2. That lovely shade of ash box color your using is NOT natural brown…. it’s manure green. Trust me honey, there ain’t a drop of red left in them locks.
3. Please talk with your mouth… not your head. I know that hussy at your yoga class stole your mat, but unless you want it to look like I came at you with a weed whacker, try to tell your story with words…not convulsions.
4. I’m going to start stashing a roll of duct tape at my station. I’ll politely ask you 3 times to look down. On the forth time I’m gonna tape your forehead to the chair.
5. The best location for your hands during a haircut is under the cape….not in your hair. I know you can’t wait to get your hands in it and see what miracle or catastrophe I have performed, but I promise, one day that hand’s gonna come back minus a finger and, “whoops sorry” ,won’t make it all better the next time you’re trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
6. I’m not quite sure why we charge less for children’s haircuts. It’s like trying to thread a needle while riding a wild boar.
7. Do you answer the phone at your gynecologist appointment? No? Then why do you answer it during your haircut? At least at the gyno you could answer it with the end they aren’t working on….
8. Telling me how to cut your hair, (like giving me specific directions on how I should cut layers correctly) is pretty much the equivalent of someone telling you how to “parent”……someone with NO KIDS telling you how to “parent”. Ohhhh…..I think I just felt your sphincter tighten up at the thought of that!! That’s what happens when something is incredibly irritating. I call it the “Sphincter Effect”
9.”I don’t know what I want.” can be some of the scariest words uttered in a stylist chair. You’d think it would be awesome…. like, “Alright!!! I get artistic freedom!!” ……Umm….. No. You get to sort out someone’s love life, job, and sexual orientation in one haircut. May the force be with you.
10. Short necks and ears are like hemorrhoids ….if I could just get them out of the way, I could do things a lot more comfortably.
*Thank you to all of my awesome clients who allow me to do something I truly enjoy, and for bringing humor to my life every day.