1. If gossip were a government issue, I would know more than the CIA, DOD, and FBI.
2. That lovely shade of ash box color your using is NOT natural brown…. it’s manure green. Trust me honey, there ain’t a drop of red left in them locks.
3. Please talk with your mouth… not your head. I know that hussy at your yoga class stole your mat, but unless you want it to look like I came at you with a weed whacker, try to tell your story with words…not convulsions.
4. I’m going to start stashing a roll of duct tape at my station. I’ll politely ask you 3 times to look down. On the forth time I’m gonna tape your forehead to the chair.
5. The best location for your hands during a haircut is under the cape….not in your hair. I know you can’t wait to get your hands in it and see what miracle or catastrophe I have performed, but I promise, one day that hand’s gonna come back minus a finger and, “whoops sorry” ,won’t make it all better the next time you’re trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
6. I’m not quite sure why we charge less for children’s haircuts. It’s like trying to thread a needle while riding a wild boar.
7. Do you answer the phone at your gynecologist appointment? No? Then why do you answer it during your haircut? At least at the gyno you could answer it with the end they aren’t working on….
8. Telling me how to cut your hair, (like giving me specific directions on how I should cut layers correctly) is pretty much the equivalent of someone telling you how to “parent”……someone with NO KIDS telling you how to “parent”. Ohhhh…..I think I just felt your sphincter tighten up at the thought of that!! That’s what happens when something is incredibly irritating. I call it the “Sphincter Effect”
9.”I don’t know what I want.” can be some of the scariest words uttered in a stylist chair. You’d think it would be awesome…. like, “Alright!!! I get artistic freedom!!” ……Umm….. No. You get to sort out someone’s love life, job, and sexual orientation in one haircut. May the force be with you.
10. Short necks and ears are like hemorrhoids ….if I could just get them out of the way, I could do things a lot more comfortably.
*Thank you to all of my awesome clients who allow me to do something I truly enjoy, and for bringing humor to my life every day.
My first appointment yesterday was a new and obviously frustrated client. She came in on a referral and was looking for a solution, a cut that would cure her years of hair woes. She was tired of it and tired of going to her stylist twice a week to have it blown out. I asked her to tell me about her hair, how she styles it, her main issues/complaints, and what she’s looking for. Turns out her hair is very thick and straight. It has no volume and she has been perming it the majority of her life. She had washed it and just let it dry, a look that I found very cute. She was a very pretty woman, and to be honest, could wear it any way she liked. She informed me, at age 62, she was the youngest client her now hairdresser had. They had talked and her stylist told her she wouldn’t be upset if she tried someone younger because she didn’t know all the “new techniques”. Techniques that could apparently correct these life long issues! She is far from the first and far from the last person to sit in my chair with this conception. Life has subjected us to a grotesque amount of Loreal commercials that have given us unrealistic expectations. She is however, the most recent, and has fallen prey to my blog!! If you are reading this I’m so sorry! You are beautiful and I mean no disrespect!
Here is where I tell you this blog is strictly my opinion. The only thing I know for certain is I’m sitting here, right now, breathing.
Now I have heard of haircuts that will change your life, take off 10 years and 10 pounds, fall perfectly into place everyday without styling, and make your orgasms suddenly seem less than spectacular….and yet, this infamous cut eludes me. Just out of curiosity, how many of you have experienced this life changing cut? Better yet, how many people do you know that have. I’m not saying their aren’t awesome cuts to be had, but lets make it a numbers thing and take a good long look at the statistics. My point being if you have a gripe about your hair, is it really something the “wonder cut” can fix? Too flat? What’s the “cut” that will make it voluptuous? Too thin? How can you “cut” my hair thicker? Too curly? Will this younger generation of stylist with all of their “new techniques” be able to cut it straighter, or curlier, or eliminate that cowlick that makes the right side above your ear lay the mother grabbin” wrong way?!! You know what?! I don’t know for certain, but I know most likely, that it probably won’t.
We had a short yet seemingly lengthy and familiar consultation. It goes like this:
Me: “What did you do to your hair this morning?”
Me: “Do you like it? Because I think its cute.”
Client: “My sons love it but my husband and the rest of my family hate it.”
Me: “Do you like it?”
Me: “So what if we shape up your cut, it’s a little out of whack, and sense you like the tousled chic look, work towards that? Plus it’s low maintenance!”
Client: “Well…I don’t know about that….and I don’t look good with short hair…and I don’t really like product other than a little mouse and light hairspray. Also, if you cut my hair like normal people it will jump up and be to short.”
Me (in my head): ”Uhhh….ok. So don’t cut it, don’t style it, and don’t use anything on it. Got it. It’s been lovely meeting you! That will be $35.
Me (in real life): “Ok…well it’s pretty short right now, so outside of trimming it and shaping it, there is not a whole lot to do cut wise. Let’s shampoo you, get it trimmed up and then talk about some different styling options…ok?”
Client: “Ok.” (Here’s where I can hear the disappointment in her voice because she thought I possessed magic sheers that would not only fix her hair, but also resurrect Lindsay Lohan’s “girl next door “reputation )
30 minutes later after a shampoo, a trim, and some interesting convo, we were ready to style. Turns out she wanted it styled the exact same way her stylist of 30 years had been doing it…..I know this because I asked!
Here is my very long point.
I do not believe there is a miracle cut to fix your life long bitch about your hair. Some things we just have to accept. You have a cowlick that will never allow you to have the bangs you want and I have an apple shaped body that will never allow me to have the abs I want. Damn!! Oh cruel cruel world! How will I rise to greet another day?!! Now don’t get me wrong, I can change my diet and work out 2 hours a day, and you can shave that cowlick off and cover it with your new bangs, but there are a couple of factors at work here. #1. What really needs fixing? Your hair, my abs, or the way we think our hair and our abs define who we are. #2 What do you really want and are you willing to make the change to get it. If they haven’t found a miracle fix for our body woes, then they sure as hell haven’t found a miracle fix for our hair. Embrace your hair because it does not define you, and if you can not embrace it, then you have to be willing to do the work and take the steps to change it. Check your unrealistic expectations at the door and learn to utilize not immortalize the people here to help you. So when you go to your stylist, think long and hard about what you want, what you need, what you expect, and make sure you know the difference. We have all of these great tools at our disposal, but a hammer won’t nail without a willing hand to drive it. It all takes work and compromise and that is part of what defines our individuality. ”Nothing worth having comes easy”…..even if it’s just hair!